Down & Out in America: How Thunberg Can Get Back Home to Europe

Climate activist and part-time scold Greta Thunberg of Sweden is really having a bit of a dilemma right now. On August 28th of this year, she sailed into US waters of the Atlantic off Coney Island in New York City and anchored the borrowed “zero carbon” racing yacht there in order to travel around our host country. What was her handler-parent-appointed mission in the United States? Why, nothing more pressing to the entire planet than decrying the utter depravity of the dirty Americans as they spew CO2 into the atmosphere through their disgusting red-meat-eating habits, effectively destroying her childhood and the childhoods of all the innocents of the world.

Lest we forget, this girl is on fire because she’s defending the entire planet. Even her yacht, Malizia II, is the Italian word for “malice,” as in “I have malice, too!” So, in addition to being from Europe (and we know from experience if you are from Europe, you must be righteous and pure) she is also a Scandinavian angelic figure who is imbued with certain Viking qualities that say, “If you don’t agree with me, I’ll go all medieval on your arse!”

As she was rowed to shore to much fanfare and adoring fans in the DNC Network Media, her expense accounts copiously fulfilled through Uncle George Soros and the Hollywood Arrogant, the breathless reporters from all over the country were in attendance of the event, treating the 16-year-old like she was a pop singer and this was the beginning of the Swedish Invasion.

After arriving and doing the interview rounds with important and very influential people in this country, like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen DeGeneres, she was off to the United Nations in order to wag a crooked finger in the faces of the USA swine who have the audacity to be litterers and users of gas and oil! How dare we?! Never mind that Russia, China, India and Pakistan are polluters on a much grander scale. In fact, between China and India alone, our carbon footprint would look like an infant’s next to their fully-adult Sasquatch-sized sneaker imprint. But, pay no attention to those countries! We’re talking about you, you miserable Americans!

After two months of reconnoitering the landscape of this nation and realizing that, wow…my home country of Sweden is like the size of Texas…Thunberg is getting bored with the visiting Hollywood movie stars’ ranches in California or Aspen, bored with the constant adoration and fawning press pieces, bored with the rose petals being thrown at her feet wherever she walks, bored with the offers of free room and board, bored with the rich foods and marvelous walks through our seemingly endless forests and mountain trails across the fruited plain, and most especially, bored of Americans in general. She was here to bring awareness to climate change and has only seen kids using the occasion to happily skip out of school (without really understanding why) and adults asking her to sign endorsements of solar panels and wind turbines.

What she hasn’t seen, however, are the horrifyingly smoggy skies (except in Los Angeles and New York City) that she was told permeated the entire North American continent. Why, even Malmo and Stockholm have smoggy skies, so what is there to really see here in the States that she couldn’t have seen at home. She could have avoided a very long and boring trip across the Atlantic on a ship that was equipped with a gas engine motor (just in case) and also could have saved her entire sailing crew from having to take a flight back across the Atlantic in order to get home again. There was just no way they were going to do that trip across the ocean one more time.

So, what next, you may wonder. Well, Thunberg had planned on being in South America for the upcoming Climate Summit. She had all her brochures ready to meet with luminaries such as Nicolas Maduro and Miguel Díaz-Canel. She was really excited to see the Mayan pyramids and Machu Picchu. Then, those dirty UN officials threw a monkey wrench into Operation Shame America by moving the South American consortium to Madrid, Spain!

Shock and horror. Was Greta Thunberg, superstar of Sweden and planet crusader, going to miss the summit in Europe?

As it turns out, there’s not really an answer at the moment. On social media, she’s been wondering what she’s going to do…how she’s going to get there. Leonardo offered his jet-fuel-guzzling climate crusher private plane, but she gently passed. Many on the Left are offering similar things, but none of their private jets run on solar energy, hamster wheel, or even good intentions. Perhaps, somebody could contact Michael Phelps and ask if he could swim her over to Spain.

Dilemma, dilemma.

Thankfully, we here at Truth and Action think we have the solution. Welcome to the all-new innovation in self-propelled mobile technology! Just make sure to wear your zero-carbon life jacket.

Good luck, Greta! You’re gonna need it.


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  1. Jake Sherwood
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